Mostly harmless?
by Coronfrim Crelumin
Summary: Who is left that rewrite that entry, left so tragically incomplete? What can be written about an extinct species? well, mostly extinct...
1. Pleeeeease No!

Mostly harmless?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

"Arthur…"

"Mm?"

"Did you used to be taller?"

"Tall was never an adjective I considered using in connection with myself. I am, perhaps, slightly more vertically challenged than I used to be. It's one of the short comings the human aging process, which you would know if any of your co-workers had ever updated that entry."

"Oh Zarquon, you're not still bitter about that are you?"

"…"

"Well, you can hardly expect anyone to improve it now! They've got nowhere to collect the information from. In case you had somehow missed it in your tea-obsessed trance, the Earth, the universe's leading producer of the human species, has been destroyed to make way for a…"

"You could."

"What?"

"You could update it! You've got me and Trillion to study."

"Really?"

"Yes. Why not?"

"Among other things, you two have been significantly altered from your natural state by a great deal of time spent in space and frequent use of the improbability drive."

"We haven't used that thing for ages. Not since Marvin tried to explain to the ship's mainframe about oceans."

"Oh yeah, I'd forgotten. I don't think I've ever seen a ship actually strangle itself to death with its own jump leads before…It was definitely an interesting experience…"

"Interesting? It took us four weeks to get another cup of tea hot enough to restart the damn thing! And you remember what happened when it finally did start working?"

"I have to admit, being a brightly striped canvas bag wasn't really the high point of my existence but…well, that's just what I'm talking about! You can't tell me that you and Trillion have gone through things like that time and time again and be unchanged by it!"

"True…but we're the best you've got."

"Yes. I know. That's just what unmotivates me to write the damn article."

"What? I think I might be insulted!"

"You're not. That's just the effect of the hyperspace jump. And what I meant was that if I start trying to document you two then, by the time I'm finished, I will loathe the two of you completely and utterly. It's a sad fact of the universe but there it is. Q.E.D."

"That's nonsense."

"No it isn't. Look up –ology in the book."

"Which –ology?"

"Just –ology."

"Alright."

_Ology – the painstaking process required to develop a deep dislike for the subject in question. The condition can sometimes prove fatal, for either the subject or the –ologist, and is substantially worsened by the addition of maths teachers or the genus _Numerous Gitius. _The symptoms of an ology can be treated with a course of humorous doodles and the development of spit-bombs and paper aerolanes. _

"I never trusted that book."

"Why not?"

"Earth is _not_ "mostly harmless"."

"No, you're quite right."

"…I am?"

"Yes. That entry does need changing."

"It…does?"

"Yes. It's gone back to just being "Harmless"…Ow! Throwing electronic encyclopedias at my head is not the answer Arthur!"

"No. The answer is forty-two. We established that already. Remember?"

"I try not to."

"Throwing books at your head is merely a useful distraction."

"Arthur…"

"Mm?"

"Shut up."

A/N: so…will Ford cave and write an entry about Arthur and Trillion? Well you'll just have to wait and see won't you. Next chapter won't all be dialogue. But I'm right in the middle of exams at the moment so the next chapter might take a while. Those who read and review can all have cookies and positions of command when I rule the universe:bribes: mmmmmmmmuniverse :thleurp!


	2. Ford retired? Oh no!

Ph34r t3h little in-betweeny chapter o'doom! Yes, I know I said the next chapter wouldn't be all dialogue but...well...y'know...I lied.

disclaimer: do not own these characters. I'm too tired for any, more inventive or witty, remarks.

arthur is in bold, k?

* * *

**"So you still won't write it?"**

"No."

**"But you said..."**

"I was being sarcastic remember?"

**"But..."**

"I'm retired damnit! Let me rest in peace!"

**"That's for dead people not retired people!"**

"Not anymore! Now it applies to both!"

**"You are so stubborn!"**

Proud smile.

**"Moron."**

"I beg your pardon? I don't see you writing the damn article yourself! The Guide's always looking for new researchers. You do it!"

**"I can't!"**

"Why?"

**"I...don't know how."**

"Now, who's the moron?"

Sticks out tongue.

**"How immature..."**

Grins.

A/N: thanks muchly to people who reviewed. keep it up, all... 1 of you! Same offer goes, positions of command or cookies to reviewers...mmmshameless corruption. thleeeurp!


	3. Places to see before you asfixiate

**Research**

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the Heart of Gold or...well, anything you recognise from the works of the great Douglas Adams.

* * *

Arthur was sitting on a swivelly chair, with his feet up on the control panel, when Ford wandered in. The Beetlegeusian was tapping a pencil against his leg and muttering under his breath in a deeply agitated manner. The Earth-man noticed this but, in his heightened state of vegetable-like relaxation, felt disinclined to interfere and upset his meticulously scheduled day of doing nothing-very-much-actually-why?. He had, finally, after much cajoling and patient antics involving treats and rolled-up newspapers, trained the ship's drinks synthesiser to produce drinkable, delicious tea on demand without shutting down even _one_ of the ship's important systems in the process. Alright, it never produced anything else anymore and once you had requested tea it carried on happily making the stuff continuallyfor the rest of the day but...well...he had taught the damn thing to make tea and this afternoon he was going to sit back and enjoy his triumph, thank you very much! He refused to focus on anything else. Definitely. Absolutely. No question. 

Arthur opened a somewhat-less-than-nonchalant eye and fixed it on Ford.

"Ford..."

"What...uh, yes?"

"What, in the name of all -in this or any other universe- that is Holy, are you chattering about?"

"Oh, that's nice, that is. That's real nice!I try to do a favour for a guy I've been to the end of the universe and back with and what do I get in return? He asks me wha I'm blabbering about!"

"Actually, that's not what I..." Arthur tried ineffectually to defend himself but was cut off.

"I don't want to hear it Arthur!" With that, he stormed out, aiming a kick at a happily whining door on his way.

Arthur stared blankly after him for a second...out loud, he commented thoughtfully, "Must be Thursday..."

By lunchtime, when Ford had not resurfaced, Arthur heaved himself from his extraordinarily comfortable position and went in search of him. After all, Ford was his friend, he was obviously upset about something and, against all odds, he was the only one on the ship who could cook. Of course, the ship could normally produce their food for them but, since the incident of last month, asking it to do such a thingwas a useless enterprise unless you had a strange craving for a heap of fried circuit boards.

The walk from the bridge to his and Ford's adjacent rooms had become a far more bearable excursion for him since a few well-chosen words had been shared with the doors. Since then, they had slid back silently, quivering slightly and did not even thank him once for allowing them to open. He tried to remember...he thought the conversation had involved axes and highly corrosive chemicals. He shrugged, as he reached Ford's door, whatever he had said must have worked.

He knocked tentatively on the door because Ford could be nasty when he was in a bad mood.

"Come in." For want of a more original response, Arthur went in. Ford was lying on his bed, with his eyes glued to the page of a large orange book. Sidling cautiouslyaround the room, Arthur could see that it was "Fifty Million Places To See Before You Asfixiate" by Zeuuccnzx Leppenin. Catching sight of him out of the corner of his eye, Ford looked up.

"Did you want something?"

Arthur was suddenly at a bit of a loss. "I just...um...well, you seemed upset and I just ...um..."

"Well, anyway," Ford appeared to have gotten over his momentary tantrum with his usual lightening regenerative powers and was now displaying a worrying level of excitement. "Look at this!" He waved the book at Arthur. Arthur peered over at the page, to which Ford was pointing.

_No. 4, 000, 023: The Limpid Pool of Space and Time, Beta Reya Galaxy_

_The Limpid Pool of Space and Time, ironically, manages to exist outside both. It can be entered through a dimensional tear in the Beta Reya Galaxy and is in fact a self-contained dimension. Somehow it has, within its physical make-up, recorded anything and everything that has ever been done, existed, been thought to have been done or existed, not to mention all the things that are being done, will exist and all variations there-on, in the entire multi-verse. Unfortunately, the toilet facilities leave a great deal to be desired and there are no plans to install disabled access ramps. Also, we suggest that, if you wish to eat there, you take your own food with you as prices are in the region of extortionate. If you plan to visit this attraction then it had better be sooner rather than later as the dimensional tear is predicted to heal itself sometime within the next four thousand millenia. **No flash photography allowed.**_

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What do you think?" Arthur was unsure ofhow to answer this.

"What am I supposed to think?" Ford met his apparent incompetence with a look of deepest exasperation.

"Arthur, you were the one who was so hot about me writing the damn article, weren't you? Well this place is going to practically do it for me!" Arthur's face lit up.

"So you're going to do it?"

"Looks like..." Arthur resisted the urge to hug Ford on the grounds that it would only earn him a black eye and a very pissed off Ford who would refuse to write the article again.

"But I thought you were retired?"

"Do you want me to write the damn article or not?"

Nods meekly.

A/N: so, it's off to the limpid pool of space and time they go...wonder what trillion and zaphod will think of this plan? mwahahaha well, read and review peoples, see previous chapters for bribe conditions. until next time dudes.


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